To: Obfuscus & Delay, Attorneys-at-Law
From: Worldcom Accounting Group
Re: Latest Audit Results
In re your last memo (re: “Is a team of monkeys doing your books?!?”), we would like to point out that we are a team of seasoned professionals, and restate that you are in the employ of Worldcom on a provisional basis.
As for your question regarding the status of our audits, we can now say with some confidence that, the latest $3.8 billion error notwithstanding, we finally have precise data on our current financial status. What follows is a corrected list of pertinent data:
Total Cash: $78 billion $11 and 37 Virginia Lottery tickets.
2001 Sales: $32 billion No actual sales. We did trade some old cable to Harry’s Heating & Cooling in return for a Coca-Cola machine (see Assets, below).
Net Profit Margin: 18.9% IT is currently reconfiguring our spreadsheets to accept a negative denominator. Will report ASAP.
Assets: We need to modify the Key Assets listed in Supplementary Report G-119-L as follows: Strike all manufacturing facilities and sales offices. Strike all numbered Swiss bank accounts. Strike French and Italian art holdings. Strike Washington Redskins luxury boxes, limousine fleet, corporate jets and airplanes, Hilton Head suites, and Lake Placid retreat facilities. Replace with the following: assorted pencils (#2) and erasers, one partially functional stapler, and one vintage 1982 Coca-Cola vending machine, half full.
Liabilities: See attachments, pp. 11 – 983.
Employees: 23,000. 1600. 73. 4.
Finally, we are investigating whether our current shares outstanding amount to 37 million, as our in-house counsel informs us that he has been unable to locate any actual shareholders. We will continue to keep you apprised.