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If you’re reading this, you’re going to hell
March 26th, 2010 Posted in Judo ChopsAt last, an answer to the rock-of-ages old dilemma: How will I evangelize to my heathen friends and neighbors after I’m taken up in the Rapture?
These folks have a cost-effective solution. For a reasonable yearly fee, they will email — post-Rapture –whatever documents you ask (up to a 150mb storage limit) to whatever lost souls you designate (up to 62 pagan email accounts).
And what happens if all your plans go horribly awry? That’s right, what if it’s you stuck in the tribulation? You prophesied, you drove out demons, you performed many miracles, you bought post-Rapture evangelistic forget-Him-nots, and still you’re persona non gratia?
Have no fear, because the good people at You’ve Been Left Behind, LLC, keep your documents in encrypted storage, readily accessible by you at any time. Which means that if the unthinkable occurs and Jesus chooses the wrong people, you’ll have as consolation your own tender letters. And who knows? Maybe something you’ve written will convince even you!
Operators are standing by, so call now. The first 100 callers responding to this special offer will also receive a nondescript penlight, perfect for scrutinizing suspicious friends and colleagues for the mark of the Beast.
Don’t miss out on this once in an eternity offer. The soul you save may be your own!
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4 Responses to “If you’re reading this, you’re going to hell”
By Ken
on Mar 26, 2010
But what if no one’s left to hit the “send” button?
By Carl Holmes
on Mar 27, 2010
The perfect mixture of Capitalism and Christianity I say. We have not had enough of that going on. God would be pleased in our capitalist endeavor. Instead of using that money to lift people out of poverty, to love our neighbor and all that stuff we spend it on this.
God most surely will tell the one who started this little endeavor “well done Good and faithful servant”. He will only then ask “did you get my message about how to behave before the rapture?”
By wickld
on Mar 28, 2010
This is just as brilliant!
http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/
By Chris
on May 17, 2010
One of the (no doubt) many emails sent to Left Behnid LLC:
“Hi,
I’ve found a potential flaw in your rapture system. Given you won’t be around either, how can you be sure your automatic email system has actually worked? Computers crash after all. And who knows what kind of mayhem will ensue post rapture?
I propose you get someone on your team who will definitely be left behind, to ensure the emails are sent. I would be more than happy to be that person.
Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss my salary and rapture bonus etc, (and how can I access all the confidential information you have gathered?).
Regards,
Theo
Personally, I think Left Behind LLC has nothing on these guys:
http://rapturefund.org/default.aspx
“Are you looking forward to the Rapture? Many Christians are. It will be amazing to be escorted to Heaven and escape the Tribulation. If you are like most Christians, however, you have never really given a second thought to what will happen to your assets and estate at the Rapture. When asked about the matter, most Christians shrug their shoulders and say, “Who cares? I’ll be gone. Let those who are left behind sort it all out.” Certainly, the issues of how to handle our assets would just be a fraction of the chaos that will persist following the Rapture–a chaos that will no doubt aggravate the magnitude of the Tribulation.
Similarly, if you operate or are a member of a church or Christian ministry, what will happen to your organization’s assets after the Rapture? Will unsaved persons get control of your organization’s assets? Will your organization’s assets escheat to the state as unclaimed property? Is that the best use of your organization’s assets?”