Semantics
Saturday, June 16th, 2012 Posted in Pure Comedy | 2 Comments »I'm sure it made sense to someone, this posting of an apartment complex management's response to a resident's complaints. But some conversations, I think, are best conducted in privacy. A sampling of the resident's itemized complaints -- nearly all of ...
On the virtues of snake-killing
Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 Posted in Pure Comedy | 1 Comment »Some of you know about my long-running battles with snakes. You'll understand, therefore, why I so appreciate Jonah Goldberg's jeremiad against snake-enabling military-industrial complexes, and beyond that, his bloody-minded willingness to harness good old American entrepreneurial violence in order to ...
The cast strikes back
Friday, October 29th, 2010 Posted in Pure Comedy | No Comments »"You told me they don't have underwear in space!" From Carrie Fisher's absolutely hilarious speech at George Lucas's roast. Check it out at Dean Esmay's site.
What’s good for the goose…
Thursday, January 28th, 2010 Posted in Pure Comedy | No Comments »For the most part I like members of law enforcement, when they aren't murdering people in drug raids or ignoring evidence that doesn't suit their preconceived notions or harassing nuns outside abortion clinics, but still, this video of Oklahoma City University ...
How they laugh in Hell
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009 Posted in Pure Comedy | 2 Comments »Anyone who doesn't think that government bureaucracy eventually destroys all it touches should read this solicitation by the U.S. Department of the Treasury for consultants to provide "two, 3-hour Humor in the Workplace programs." You've never seen, I promise you, a ...
Madness?
Tuesday, March 18th, 2008 Posted in Pure Comedy | 5 Comments »By now we've all heard that America's productivity takes a dip because of the NCAA men's basketball tournament. The most widely touted estimate comes from Chicago research firm Challenger, Gray, and Christmas, which estimates this year's tourney will cost up ...
My Living Will
Thursday, March 31st, 2005 Posted in Pure Comedy | 6 Comments »It occurs to me that I ought to have some kind of living will. I'd appreciate some free legal advice (from those of you whose legal degrees were not awarded as the result of a three-week Internet course) on the ...
Buy High and Sell Low
Friday, April 30th, 2004 Posted in Greatest Hits, Pure Comedy | 8 Comments »I've not yet had the need to plan my own funeral, but I suspect that when I do it will be much like preparing for a yard sale. There's the general sense of getting one's affairs in order, tidying things ...
When Duty Calls, Don’t Answer
Wednesday, April 21st, 2004 Posted in Pure Comedy, Snapshots of Life | 16 Comments »The call came as I laid hold of my intended purchase. "Honey, where are you?" "The CVS Pharmacy. Why?" "Well . . . can you pick up a box of [insert name of exceedingly personal female product here], please?" Sigh. "Okay." I turned ...
Excerpts From the Email Account of WhateverPundit
Tuesday, March 4th, 2003 Posted in Pure Comedy | 15 Comments »To: Whateverpundit From: Newpundit Subject: Your blog I'm just writing to say that I think your blog is great. You really stick it to those liberals. In case you're interested, I also have a blog, at www.newpundit.com. My writing is a lot like ...
Get to Know Me!
Friday, February 14th, 2003 Posted in Pure Comedy | 16 Comments »I've been informed by one of my readers that I am sometimes "prickly." Actually, she used a derivative of that word. It occurs to me that I haven't shared enough of the Inner Tony with my readers to help you ...
Friday, February 7th, 2003 Posted in Pure Comedy | 14 Comments »
Dear grocery store, What's up with putting tomato paste on a different aisle from chopped tomatoes? Do you think that squishing the tomato transforms it into an entirely different food genus? And those automatic sprinklers in Produce -- what the hell? ...
From the Front Lines
Thursday, January 23rd, 2003 Posted in Pure Comedy | 14 Comments »My good friend Steve Alves sent me this some time ago, and I've been waiting for the right confluence of astronomical and geological events to place it. Actually, I just forgot that it was in my overstuffed Inbox. I submit, ...
On Half-Time Shows
Friday, January 3rd, 2003 Posted in Pure Comedy | 7 Comments »I caught enough of the Orange Bowl last night to give me pre-irritation (yes, that's a real world -- just ask any parent) at the Superbowl half-time show. College bowl game organizers have fallen under the delusion that the Superbowl ...
So How’s Your Colon?
Tuesday, December 31st, 2002 Posted in Pure Comedy | 1 Comment »A headline from the weekly news flyer on my commuter train: "Men Usually Quiet About Colon Health" And some of you were thinking you don't have anything to be thankful for this year. The author believes this is a problem, because men ...
News Through The Ages
Tuesday, December 17th, 2002 Posted in Pure Comedy | 3 Comments »PBS, last week: Many in Baghdad are struggling to survive after years of U.S. sanctions. Ali Ali-Saud, a local vendor, sells CD's of American music, and worries about what war will mean for his business. Saud sells his CD's for ...
Stolen Baby Jesus
Monday, December 16th, 2002 Posted in Pure Comedy | 1 Comment »I think I may have sparked something unholy in my recent post on yard adornments. Alert reader Janis Gore sends this link to the Trentonian. It appears that three thieves have stolen the plastic baby Jesus from the front yard ...
Interview With A Reindeer
Friday, December 13th, 2002 Posted in Pure Comedy | 11 Comments »Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, has been a focus of much adulation since his trials and tribulations as a young buck were first chronicled by Robert May in 1939. Now, on the verge of what will be his sixty-third trip as ...
A Public Letter to the Quaker Oats Company
Wednesday, August 14th, 2002 Posted in Business Behaving Badly, Pure Comedy | 9 Comments »Dear Quaker Oats Company; Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try your new Quaker Quick 1-Minute Oats. As one might expect, they felt in my mouth much the way I imagine elephant snot would feel. Why would anyone deliberately ...
On Worldcom and Accounting
Friday, August 9th, 2002 Posted in Pure Comedy | 2 Comments »Memo To: Obfuscus & Delay, Attorneys-at-Law From: Worldcom Accounting Group Re: Latest Audit Results In re your last memo (re: "Is a team of monkeys doing your books?!?"), we would like to point out that we are a team of seasoned professionals, and restate ...
Move Over, Ken
Friday, August 9th, 2002 Posted in Pure Comedy | 4 Comments »I've always wanted to be a hero. Problem is, this frequently involves shedding one's own blood, which, just between you and me, gives me the heebie-jeebies. But now my problems are solved, thanks to this business, which offers to make ...
Alas
Tuesday, June 11th, 2002 Posted in Pure Comedy | Comments OffMy newspaper carries this headline: Denmark Eliminates France Unfortunately, it's referring to World Cup Soccer.
Be Careful Where You Look
Thursday, May 2nd, 2002 Posted in From Blogger, Pure Comedy | Comments OffAnanova reports that the U.S. National Research Council, acting on a fear of extraterrestrial contamination, is urging NASA not to search for life when it eventually sends men to Mars. I can imagine the discussion inside the future Mars landing ...
Breaking News
Friday, April 19th, 2002 Posted in From Blogger, Pure Comedy | Comments OffApparently talks have broken down between the Arthur Anderson accounting firm and the Federal government. Prosecutors observe that Anderson's May 6th trial date leaves only sixteen days to negotiate a settlement, but spokesmen for Anderson insist that by their reckoning, ...
Pray
Wednesday, April 17th, 2002 Posted in From Blogger, Pure Comedy | Comments OffExcerpt from the pre-takeoff cell phone conversation of a really large woman sitting next to me on the plane: "Girl, I got so sick on my last flight. Mmm-hmm, bad motion sickness." (She checks the seat pocket for the sick bag). ...
Baby Pinching
Thursday, April 4th, 2002 Posted in From Blogger, Pure Comedy | Comments OffSo I'm standing in the grocery store checkout line, trying to soothe my screaming infant, when an old woman walks up and says loudly, "Are you pinching that baby?" For those of you who don't have children, people older than 60 ...
Unhygienic
Saturday, March 23rd, 2002 Posted in From Blogger, Pure Comedy | Comments OffUnhelpful mental images from my dental hygienist during a discussion about her kids: Her: "My fifteen year son is finally starting to notice girls." Me (with her finger and that suction thingy in my mouth): "Mfmhhm." Her: "Yeah, I keep finding my Victoria's ...
Tongue Tied
Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 Posted in From Blogger, Pure Comedy | Comments OffI caught an NPR segment on the "Miss Barstow" contest, an annual beauty pageant in not-so-beautiful Barstow, California. Here's an excerpt: Master of Ceremonies (to a contestant, as the audience listens): "Jessica, if you could sit down and talk with one ...
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