Dear Quaker Oats Megalith, You might recall that I warned you once before about disguising newfangled “quick” foods as the older, take-an-extra-three-minutes-to-cook-it fare. Well, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, and I hate you double. That’s right, I accidentally bought those pulverized nubbins you call “Quick Oats,” mistaking them for the whole …
We’ve been taking care of some friends’ chickens and dogs and cats while they’re on vacation. The chicken coop is attached to a fenced yard, and in the evening I have to close the door and brace a piece of wood against it, because it doesn’t latch from the inside. Then I have to climb …
After catching some of his interview with Rick Warren, here’s my impression of breakfast in Barack Obama’s house: “Barack honey, would you like some scrambled eggs?” “You know, my grandfather worked very hard to instill in me a strong work ethic and American values. Watching the Veteran’s Day parade with him always filled me with …
Dear Quaker Oats Company; Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try your new Quaker Quick 1-Minute Oats. As one might expect, they felt in my mouth much the way I imagine elephant snot would feel. Why would anyone deliberately eat elephant snot, you ask? Well, exactly. You see, I didn’t set out with …
