The problem with morning people is that they think the rest of us are the problem. The reality is that the morning person is the classic interventionist; not content to bask in the glory of his cheerful morning, he finds it necessary to whip all those around him into a frenzy of morning exuberance as …
There are two kinds of people who use their cell phones on the train: those who deserve to have their lungs torn out by my jagged fingernails, and those who should have their genitalia removed with a rusty tweezer. At some stops not all the doors open. This is on purpose. I think it’s a …
I feel guilty when I see all those hits from my wonderful readers, and I remember that I haven’t posted anything new in a few days. Then I remember that most of you don’t pay me, while the people who do pay me have been demanding most of my waking hours. Still, I want to …
Dear Quaker Oats Company; Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try your new Quaker Quick 1-Minute Oats. As one might expect, they felt in my mouth much the way I imagine elephant snot would feel. Why would anyone deliberately eat elephant snot, you ask? Well, exactly. You see, I didn’t set out with …
Memo To: Obfuscus & Delay, Attorneys-at-Law From: Worldcom Accounting Group Re: Latest Audit Results In re your last memo (re: “Is a team of monkeys doing your books?!?”), we would like to point out that we are a team of seasoned professionals, and restate that you are in the employ of Worldcom on a provisional …
I remember watching Game Two of the 1995 World Series and deciding that Bob Costas is gutless. I came to this conclusion because Costas went out of his way, as Cleveland pitcher Dennis Martinez warmed up on the mound, to avoid describing a key part of Martinez’s ritual. Martinez is a Christian, and he used …
I don’t have any illusions about the most popular part of this site. It isn’t my insightful social commentary, or my witty dissections of twisted authority figures. It’s the little guy in the pictures at the bottom of the page. So, here’s a little Caleb for you. As we settled into our flight last week, …