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We’re from Congress, and we’re here to help

Let me see if I’ve got this straight. American mega-companies buy shoddy lead-painted toys and chemically poisonous clothes from China, and market them to our children. We stupidly trust the American mega-companies because we have happy memories of the days when you could get killed by a lawn dart or by falling from the top of the jungle gym onto the asphalt below, yes, but you didn’t have to worry about catching cancer from a baby doll. Somebody discovers a dangerous toy. Somebody else discovers another dangerous toy. Somebody else remembers that Chinese companies are also the ones that poisoned everybody’s dogs and cats a few months back. Somebody else remembers that a Chinese company also killed a bunch of infants with poisonous formula. Somebody with a journalism degree puts it all together.

That last part, of course, takes some time. But finally, oh blessed day, Congress hears about it. And the solution? A new law that will reward the American mega-companies by putting their small, American competitors out of business. As an added side benefit, the law will likely do in any number of thrift stores. Perfect. I feel safer already.