Tony Woodlief | Author

New by Osmosis: August, 2008

It’s time for another edition of News by Osmosis, wherein I, a dedicated avoider of newspapers, share with you my understanding of the news gleaned from random bits of information that assail me despite my best efforts to ignore them.

The big news this week is that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are in love. Everyone is cool with it, especially Bill Clinton. This may prove to be a complicated relationship, however, because Obama is actually Jesus Christ. His ascension is scheduled to take place before a live audience tonight in Denver at approximately 8:30 Mountain Daylight Time.

There was some question about whether Obama’s heavenly citizenship will prohibit him from serving as U.S. president, but legal experts concur that since heaven is somewhere “way way up there,” it is technically in U.S. airspace. They note by way of precedent that Dick Cheney did not stop being Vice-President for the 18 consecutive months he spent flying across the country after the 9/11 attacks.

In related news, Obama has selected Joe Biden to be his Vice-President. Biden is a wise statesman from the Senate, and not the mean-spirited, plagiarizing, third-rate legal mind and lifetime politician from Scranton who also goes by that name.

Obama’s team is also expected to include Moses as National Security Advisor, St. Paul as Secretary of State, and Elijah as campaign spokesman.

The Republicans, meanwhile, plan to proceed with their convention next week at an undisclosed IHOP in Canada, where John McCain will lie in state.

In other political news, every politician in the state of Alaska was arrested this summer. The state seems to be getting along fine without them, and other states have begun to study this option as a cost-control measure.

In business news, the economy is growing, except that it’s shrinking. It is becoming clear, meanwhile, that two politically-managed entities, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, have contributed much to the mortgage crisis. Congress promises more political meddling to correct the situation.

In state news, a big Swedish storm is barreling toward New Orleans. Democrats are voicing anger that the Bush Administration hasn’t done more to rebuild the region. “At this rate,” said one unnamed official, “there’s hardly going to be anything for the new storm to mess up.”

On the war front, most of Iraq is now officially safer than Detroit. Anti-war activists protest that this is not a valid measure of progress, however, because nobody in his right mind wants to live in Detroit. War supporters argue that this is a vindication for the “surge” strategy, but the three American soldiers left in Afghanistan insist that they are undermanned.

On the international side, Russia invaded Georgia, an action widely denounced by the world community, but welcomed by Alabama, South Carolina, and Florida.

Elsewhere there are additional wars and battles raging in numerous countries, which is to be expected because everybody is mad about getting whipped by a bunch of nine year-old Chinese girls in the Olympic gymnastic events.

In other sports news, the LPGA made a move to deport all foreigners associated with golf, until someone noted that there would be nobody to caddy or do the groundswork. It was then suggested that foreigners could stay, but only if they speak American. An LPGA spokesman argued that this is necessary because foreign language-speakers alienate fans. When asked how many people actually bother to watch women’s golf, however, the spokesman said: “No hablo englais.”

And that’s all the news that soaked into my brain. Good night, and God bless America.

On Key

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