The snake ate my grass carp. I think I told you how I stupidly left my pond fountain off long enough to kill all the fish (but not the $#!%!*! snake). As a consequence, an algae problem has presented itself. Thick wide islands of slimy green algae, anchored to the bottom of the pond by …
Caleb broke my heart last week. He told me that he prefers Christian rock to blues and jazz. And not even the good stuff, but what they play on the popular Christian radio station. In an effort to open his ears to the truth, I played him one of Stevie Ray Vaughn’s first concerts. Nothing …
Yesterday I was supposed to spend the afternoon painting. We have many square feet of wood in need of paint. This was my mission. Instead, we drove into the biggest honky tonk near our wilderness spread, which happens to be the little Kansas town of Newton. Little Newton has two worthy bookstores, and a health …
I hit a snake in the head with a rock the other day. It was a fat water snake, the kind that all the experts say isn’t poisonous, and is more afraid of you than you are of him, and a lot of other baloney that you shouldn’t believe coming from somebody who likely as …
Friday afternoon it was just me and Isaiah, biggest grump and littlest grump. I was painting when he woke from his nap, and so I fetched him from his crib and we tried to figure out what to do with each other until the Mama and brothers came home. I put on my Best of …
I kept all the boys last night while Wife had a much-needed break. She had a pedicure, and a meal without interruption. The boys and I did alright. Isaiah ate his sweet potato mush without fuss, and then crawled from Daddy to brother to brother, begging tiny spoonfuls of chocolate pudding. I explained to the …
I realized, after posting about his birthday, that I haven’t said much about Isaiah. This has been largely the result of his being unable to do anything but poop and squawk. But I gave it some thought, and came up with two lists of particulars for those of you who want more information about the …
“Dad,” Eli asks me in a whisper, “why did Abraham kill Isaac?” We are in his bed, looking out at the darkening sky and listening to crickets. In his bed across the room, our Isaac is already asleep, a lamb clutched to his chest, his mouth agape. “He didn’t kill Isaac, remember?” I kiss Eli …
I’ve had to travel four of the last five weeks, so that by Friday I was feeling thin, as Bilbo Baggins claimed, like butter stretched over too much toast. Traveling like that leaves me muddle-headed, and not in the good way. Some of you know what I mean about a good muddle-headedness — you get …
This is how the dinner table works in our house. The food is ready, and Wife is announcing this in her best I-cooked-for-you-people-while-you-all-conspired-to-drive-me-crazy voice. Baby Isaiah is squawking because he came equipped with a special squawk alarm that goes off the moment anyone puts him down. His older brothers are doing a Three Stooges routine …
So me and the boys are flying down the highway in my truck. [Editorial aside: there is little better, men, than being able to type that sentence and have it be true.] Like I said, we’re flying down the highway in my truck. My full-sized pickup truck, to be more precise. Me. And my boys. …
It’s come to my attention that there are rumors floating around on the Internet, to the effect that I have killed myself in a tractor accident. That’s a ridiculous notion, of course, that I could get myself into a fatal tractor accident, for the simple reason that I don’t yet have a tractor. I do, …
The Great Woodlief Migration of 2008 has begun. Today I spent 12 hours painting in the new house. I also made the flooring guys listen to my music, which ranged from Lyle Lovett to the Hackensaw Boys to Death Cab for Cutie. The probably think I’m deranged, but then they probably don’t care so long …
Isaac has this thing where he feels like he needs my company any time he has to pee between the hours of midnight and 6 A.M. Which is inconvenient, because every once in a while I try to sleep between those hours. This morning I was coming out of the bathroom a little before six, …
One of the nice side benefits of home-schooling, other than the occasional highly inappropriate parent-teacher conference, is that you get to deface the textbooks as you see fit. For example, Caleb is using a reading textbook that contains brief essays, and about which he has to answer questions. Recently the essay of the day was …
We’ve lived in our house with a For Sale sign in the front yard longer than we’ve lived without it. Yesterday we finally sold the thing, albeit not before getting dunned for a ridiculous neighborhood boondoggle, which I’ve already informed one HOA officer I fully intend to come back and egg once it’s completed. It’s …
My nine month-old beat me up this weekend. It was only for a moment, but in that brief time I was clearly on the defensive, and he bringing the pain. He didn’t mean any harm, he just likes to get rambunctious. I think it’s the influence of his three older brothers. He was on my …
Since we have bidders on our house, we’ve gotten back into the habit of looking for houses in the country. The boys’ favorite thus far has been a log cabin-style house in lovely Mulvane, which is the sight of the finest Italian restaurant in all of Kansas, and an elderberry winery to boot. The house …
Monday was Caleb’s birthday. He is eight years old now. That morning I made breakfast for the family, and then took him to work with me. He did school work at the table in my office, and I did my own work at my computer. He finished first, because he is smarter than me, and …
It occurred to me that one day in the less-than-distant future, a young lady may decide to conduct an Internet search on the term: “William Isaac Woodlief.” Said lady will be, of course, interested in marrying young Isaac, and itching to bear an entire brood of Woodlief babies. The last post might, naturally, give her …
So tonight, in between stripping naked and getting into the tub, there was some jumping and general little boy rambunctiousness. I could hear them upstairs, and the thing is, I only needed one more minute for the task I was trying to finish. One more minute, and then I would be up the steps to …
A couple of nights ago I shot a cat. Lest you animal fetishists send me nasty email, or the anti-feline masochists among you send me packages of veal, I’ll note that I didn’t use my 9mm, but rather my Daisy Red Ryder underlever cocking BB gun, from ten yards out. You see, I thought he …
Wednesday night I went with some of my uber-trendy, DC blogger friends to the Rock & Roll Hotel to see the 1900’s. They have a great act, and those of you who live in real cities should go see them. Afterward, I got interviewed by somebody from Spin magazine. They even put my picture on …
This morning I stood in line at Starbucks, reading my Atlantic and waiting to order my customary grande hot chocolate with no whipped cream. My friend Ben recently explained that brain scientists believe happiness is generated by the successful pursuit of a goal, such that instant gratification — through video games, for example, or pornography …
This year, Santa decided that it would be great fun to leave whoopee cushions in everyone’s stocking. I received two, perhaps one for each cheek, or maybe as a sign that I ought not to get a hot chocolate from Starbucks every day, even though it’s how I talk myself out of bed in the …
There’s probably some irony in writing an essay for a major international publication about how I am going to ease back on the throttle come this Christmas season, only to find myself collapsed in a chair at the end of December, praying for the quick approach of January 2nd. The plain truth of it, I …
It has been a while, hasn’t it? Insert the usual excuses here. Since the thought of composing a seamless essay is usually what keeps me from writing anything here for unconscionable gaps of time, I lured myself to the computer with the notion of writing you a disjointed, conversational little jaunt of a letter, much …
Caleb, Eli, Isaac and I recently had a boys’ night out. We made our way to our favorite diner and ordered up omelets and chocolate milkshakes. A favorite food item for the boys, as it turns out, is the maraschino cherry, replete with bright red stem to match its bright red skin. I noticed that …
We are walking across a parking lot. I am holding Eli’s hand, and carrying Isaiah. Caleb has hold of the hem of my shirt. This is how we do parking lots. The wife is close behind. Suddenly she stops. “Where is Isaac?” she asks in a panic. That boy is forever wandering off, after all. …
On the Virtue of Having One’s Head Sewn to One’s Neck Read More »
Another scene you don’t anticipate until you have a house full of boys: Eli and Isaac are in the tub. I have washed Isaac, and now they are squirming past one another so Eli can get on deck for his scrub-down. “Ouch!” Eli squeals. “What’s the problem?” “He stepped on my pee-pee!” “Well, if you …
